comparison is the thief of joy
but dang if we don't give our joy away
My oldest daughter Jubilee is a tender heart. To be a tender heart is much different than having one. I think having one is easier. You care about other people and you sympathize with their troubles, but you can also still clean your room and go to the grocery store and type out your emails without crying.
To be a tender heart implies that if you can clean your room and go to the grocery store and type out your emails, there will be a certain amount of crying that just happens naturally.
When you’re a tender heart, you care so much about other people that you sometimes forget where their pain, joy, sorrow, happiness, and opinions end and where yours begins.
As a fellow member of the tender hearts club, I understand the weight of loving the world too much. And when you love everyone so deeply, it really matters what other people think of you. I also know how easy it is to let other people’s opinions supersede your own. What they think about you is tied up in what you think about yourself. This is not necessary or healthy, but that is how you feel.
Jubi is also an artist, like her mama, although her expression of choice is drawing comics. She loves sketching them and making up stories for her characters. She tried her hand at painting, but she was not satisfied with the result.
“When I look at other kids’ paintings, some of them are really good. And mine…” Her eyes welled up. “Mine looks like TRASH.”
Her painting looked like my favorite eight year old painted it. It was perfect as it was, but against the backdrop of the paintings of some of the other kids at her Enrichment Day school, her painting fell flat in her eyes.
I get it. If I am not careful, I start comparing myself to other women, moms, writers, artists, musicians, etc. until I am convinced that my life and art is TRASH, when there is nothing further from the truth.
My whole life, while not always easy, is a joy to live. By all measures, I am a fortunate woman: great husband, loving kids, warm house, friends and family that love me…the list of tangible and intangible gifts go on and on. Comparison doesn’t have to steal my joy because I give it away freely when I forget that I’m not in competition with anyone but myself.
When I was preparing to launch my book A Kudzu Vine of Blood and Bone, I posted a photo on my Instagram of a page in my journal. The page read:
“I feel this giant ball of imposter syndrome sitting in my tummy.
Like all my ideas are dumb or just plain bad, no one’s going to buy it, the fact that the word ‘labia’ is in it will offend someone…the list goes on and on.
It’s all mostly nonsense and even if it turns out it really sucks, at least I’m trying, right?
But God, I really hope it doesn’t suck.”
It turns out my book doesn’t suck. It did great and was a #1 New Release on Amazon within hours of opening my preorders. The reviews are also overwhelmingly positive. Everything I was so worried about was for nothing.
But if I didn’t try for fear of not measuring up, I wouldn’t have known that. I would have lived with the regret of not knowing. Always dreaming, never living.
That’s not to say that the next thing I try won’t flop because I have no idea what the future holds, but I do know that I can do my very best and see where it lands.
Jubi and I had a tender heart to tender heart moment that afternoon. I told her that the only people we need to compare ourselves to is who we used to be. She’s a better painter than she was last year. I’m a better writer than I was last year. Hopefully, we will both be better at our crafts next year because we are working a little bit every day to do and be just that: better than who we used to be.
listening/reading/watching/writing
I’ve missed y’all.
I meant to update everyone about my finished draft (!) and about my 20k words I’ve written in another manuscript (!!) and also about how the retreat plans are going (!!!), but I have been busy doing all those things and haven’t taken the time to write about them to y’all.
Good thing, y’all are a forgiving bunch!
Here’s what I’ve been up to!
listening:
My latest binge listen has been The Categorically Romance Podcast. It’s a podcast all about Category romance, most of which is published by Harlequin. My current WIP is a potential submission to Harlequin, so I’m considering it research. It’s obvious that the host Bree loves to read romance novels, and she has such a wonderful voice for podcasting, and she laughs so much that I can’t help but laugh too even if I haven’t read the book. She interviews the authors and talks about the books, but there’s a lot of fun behind the scenes info from the authors too. I’ve learned so much just by listening.
reading:
I’ve read 10 books this year so far, and most of them have been winners. I read two books by Carley Fortune: Every Summer After and Meet Me at the Lake. Of the two, I like ESA best, but both were fun reads. Next, I read The House Across the Lake, which was a wild ride that I did not see coming. I wish I could read it again for the first time. I also read Tessa Bailey’s Fix Her Up. It was fun, but there were aspects that were not for me. Mostly the fact that the main male character kept calling his ACTUAL CLOWN girlfriend “baby girl.” I just can’t with that lol My favorite was The Happy Life of Isadora Bentley. It is a clean read that really tugs on your heartstrings. Plus, Isadora is hilarious.
I also read Romancing the Beat which came highly recommended for romance writers, and it was very helpful for setting up some story arcs that I was struggling with.
watching:
Jared and I are rewatching Friday Night Lights, and I love it. I want to be Tami Taylor when I grow up, but as far as I’m concerned the entire show is about Tim Riggins. Poor, misunderstood, perpetually a senior, Tim Riggins. Also Julie is the worst. I will not be accepting any other opinion about Julie Taylor. Television and movies are the only way I care about sports, and all the camaraderie on the team makes my heart swell to the size of Texas.
writing:
My River Woman project rounded out at about 90k words, which was nearly 20k past my original goal. I finished it about a week before my 37th birthday, and I’ve abandoned it for the month of February with the hope that I will begin revisions in March. The idea is that while it is percolating, it will magically become perfect before I open the document again. A girl can dream, right?
But before those revisions can start, I have to finish my current draft of a romance I’m hoping to submit to Harlequin’s Love Inspired line. It is only supposed to be around 55k words, so I am nearly halfway there.
I had no idea that Harlequin published more than bodice-ripper type books, so when I found out they have imprints for all kinds of books with varying degrees of spice, I was surprised. The Love Inspired line is clean romance with a Christian twist. You also don’t need an agent to submit, so it’s been a fun experience trying to write it!
So far, it’s about a young widow artist named Sarah who moves to Port Haven, Alabama (loosely based on Dauphin Island, AL) after her husband dies. Sarah’s angry at God for taking her husband and the life she had planned, and she buys a beach cottage sight unseen to fix up as a way to prove to herself she is going to be okay eventually. She meets Deacon, a cranky (at first) ex-Marine contractor who is a single dad trying to get his son the care he needs while battling with his ex-wife in court. Sarah and Deacon start off at odds with one another, but eventually the two of them trade skills. He will help her finish her house in time for the Port Haven Holiday Home Tour if she will help his special needs son with the art therapy his doctor recommends. Hearts are softened toward God and each other. Holiday romance ensues.
I will work on the blurb, I promise.
There’s a funny side character named Gertie who gets Sarah in all kinds of ridiculous situations including a themed Thanksgiving where the dress code is “sexy pilgrim.” I read the scene to Jared and he laughed his Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell laugh, which is most definitely his best laugh that he saves for things that are really hilarious. That should tell you something. Gertie is larger than life and honestly, the best part of this book so far, but hopefully the rest will catch up to Gertie and her fabulous self.
Aside from all that, I’ve been prepping for the Southern Scribe Society retreat that kicks off in less than 2 weeks! I’ve been a in a tornado of swag bags and grocery lists and about a million Marco Polos to my friend Jess who owns the Whitetail Hideaway airbnb. It is an absolutely gorgeous place to stay and I cannot wait to enjoy it with six other writers!
Alright friends, I’m signing off for now, but I love y’all!
Tristan
P.S. Texas forever? Texas forever.